A Little Honesty
A little positivity goes a long way. But so does honesty and I’m about to get honest with you.
It’s been a hard week. A week full of information about treatment plans and doctor’s appointments, dental plans and every emotion imaginable. Information I needed to hear but didn’t want to hear. Feelings I had hoped to squash with my daily mantra and positive thoughts, but just couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried.
I’ve been quiet – which I tend to do when I’m trying to really process things. When I have to get things settled in my mind….and come to terms with things that aren’t working out the way I had hoped or prayed that they would. I tell people not to take it personally and I hope they don’t. I just need that space to try and wrap my mind around what is happening and how I’m going to handle it all. I’ve done it a million times – after divorce or break ups, after job losses or failures and yes, after every single cancer diagnosis….. This one hit especially hard for some reason.
I’ve been trying to understand why this has been so hard for me this week. I really have been very low and honestly, it has been hard to function at all. What I really wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep – but when I really thought it about it, I think I just feel so disappointed and that’s what has precipitated this depression and the overwhelming feelings of it all. I’ve cried and mourned the fact that I feel so good physically but I know that the exhaustion and pain is coming. I knew in my heart that God was going to heal me. I felt it in my core. And of course, the devil had to make his way into my head and whisper in my ear that God didn’t hear my prayers or care about healing my body from this disease. Now, I know that’s not true….but he crept in there – cause that’s what he does.
He crept in after hearing it’s likely going to be 6-7 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week. He crept in after hearing that I’ll lose my parotid gland and of course, my jaw will be affected and all my teeth will have to come out. He crept in while worrying about how I’m going to pay for all that, even with insurance. He crept in while I worried about how I am going to continue to handle my daily work load while I do surgeries and treatments. And he’s still there. Every. Single. Day. Although, today is much better than yesterday and tomorrow will be even better.
But here’s what I know. I have THE MOST AMAZING boss and team behind me at work. We are small but close – and they are the best at supporting me and making sure I know I am loved and cared for. And they have all said, we got your back during all this. I had a delivery on my front porch a couple of nights ago from them….a big bag with a soft, fuzzy blanket, warm fuzzy socks, honey spoons, a coupon for herbal teas, some salted caramel hot cocoa and two mugs with messages of faith over fear. Yes, those are my people. Check that worry off the list.
And I have THE MOST AMAZING FAMILY AND FRIENDS who love me and pray for me and call or text me or send cards to let me know they care about what I’m going through. Some, who have been through what I am about to go through, and worse…and some who haven’t but have been caretakers for those who have. And others who acknowledge they don’t know how I feel but want me to know they are thinking of me and praying for me always.
This. This is why I will get through this little bout with depression and overwhelm and anxiety. And because I know the devil is a liar. Fear is a liar. God is truth and light and love and comfort and peace.
And today, it hit me. Maybe what I was expecting was for the tumors to just disappear. Ok, I’ll be honest. That’s exactly what I was expecting. But maybe that’s not how He’s going to heal me. Maybe He will heal me with surgery and radiation. So perhaps THIS is His plan instead of the plan I had envisioned. Don’t we usually want it our way? Of course we do. I don’t want to do any of this – but I will because I have to and because maybe this time, I will be healed from this cancer. Or, maybe I won’t. I just know that whatever lies ahead, is the path He has chosen for me to take. And whatever happens, He has a plan.
So, there’s my honesty. I’m not always positive. I’m not always “up” and joyous and happy. I have my days and I’ll likely have more before all is said and done. But, I do have my faith that God is going to work all this for my good somehow – and He’s using all of you to get me there. And I’m so thankful and grateful that He placed me where I am and placed the people around me in my life to help me through it. No way in the world I could do this without any of you.
I have friends right now, that are going through this same battle. These same thoughts and same feelings. Dread, worry, fear, anxiety and sadness. But we have got to remember that it won’t always be this way. Yeah, it really stinks going through it and the anxiety of not knowing what the future holds is hard. But none of us are promised tomorrow – And we have all had things that happen in our lives that we didn’t see coming. So, my journey isn’t at all different from anyone else’s. That’s life. It’s good sometimes- and sometimes, it’s not so good. But we’re all here to help each other through it…to celebrate all the good times and make great memories – and to soften the load when the burdens are heavy. Either way, we will all get through it by holding on to the good things that are to come and not forgetting that God is in the middle of it all. He is at the core of your story…and mine. So, let’s just thank Him for all the good days and lean on Him during the tough ones.